Friday, August 5, 2011

The Damn Sink

   I'm baaaaaack....

   I am currently working on a page dedicated to our wedding, rehearsal, etc and I think you're all going to enjoy it. So sit tight and check back for that this weekend! Now onto the issues at hand. My solo trip to Lowe's yesterday. We'll call it "The Heels, The Sink and the Overly Helpful Gentlemen". I dig "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe" comedy. Deal with it. Embrace it. Use it yourself and you'll get a laugh like 30% of the time, I swear. It's gold. I'm getting off topic though.

   I enter Lowe's with my work clothing on as I was coming from a day long seminar at my branch office. I park, walk in with my camera in tow because I had previously taken a photo of the right sink so I wouldn't mess it up. Aaron thought it would be "easier" for me to go grab it because he was going to be at Home Depot getting the dry wall. He actually scoffed at me because I didn't know drywall was in 10 foot by 10 foot slabs. Reminder: this is the same girl who didn't know what "gutted" meant.

This is what we're looking for, folks.

   Solo style I march into Lowe's. Tip for the ladies...if you want to get a lot of attention, walk into Lowe's dressed nicely and people will literally fall over things to assist you. It was a nice confirmation that my new pants were money well spent. No sooner had my foot hit the concrete past the threshold that an older man stopped walking, removed the items he had in his cart and said "do you need a cart, miss?" and got himself another. I considered saying "no, I'm OK", but he was being a gentleman and I knew he'd see me later with a cart. "Oh thank you, kind sir! I appreciate that!". Yes, I really said those words.

   I stroll down the aisle, proud of myself for remembering where the sinks were. Something promptly stops me in my trek. Halloween decor. It's important for you to know that aside from Christmas, Halloween is my favorite holiday. When I decorate for Christmas, I am so jubilant and excited. When I decorate for Halloween, I can let the dark side show. I'm a villain at heart. Those closest to me know it as well. In Disney World on a tour of the campus with my friend's Jan, Lisa and Jan's hubby J-Street (that's what I call him) we were asked to go around the circle and say what character we'd want to be if we worked for the parks. Without hesitating I shouted "Villain" when they got to me. Lisa mumbles next to me "you wouldn't even have to wear a mask..." and boom goes the dynamite. Never before had more true words been uttered.

   So this little lovely is what stopped me. It was my VIP for the day. "Very Important Purchase". I would have bought it if it was $49.99. Luckily it was only $7.99.

I've lost site of why I'm at Lowe's. Then an adorable little peanut of a girl in a bathing suit top and denim skirt in a cart says to me "WOW! What's that?" I tell her it's a kitty for Halloween, even though it's far away. The last thing I want to do is send her home with her Dad saying "Is it Halloween now? How about now?" Dad smiles at me as if to say "Thanks for clarifying that". I begin to walk away with my cat in cart and she says "I like your shoes!" I look back and smile "Thank you!" ...a few more steps "I like your purse and shirt too!" I love baby fashionistas. I smile and wave and head towards the sinks. I'm looking for this and only this:

   There she is, in all her glory. I assume I can lift it myself, having worked at Pier 1 for 3+ years. I align the cart so I can shimmy the large box off the shelf, which is at the perfect height for all of this. I pull with all my might. This joker doesn't BUDGE. I try again. Nothing. I trot over to the counter where the two "bathroom guys" are arguing over who is going to move a tub. I recognize one of them as the dude who got our tub down for us. I'm sure he's thrilled to see me. He follows me over, cleanly slides the sink off the shelf onto my cart and that's that.

   Walking back to the front I pass the little girl/Dad team still in the lightbulb section, not having moved a foot. her eyes lit up the second she saw me! "What's that?!" referring to the giant sink box. "It's a sink!" I saw, trying to make it sound glamorous. Her little confused eyes stay lit. Cute kid.

   I pay and have 3 people ask me on my way out if I need help. No thanks, I'm on this. I roll up to my Civic and open the back door. Surely I can slide this right off the cart into my car. Then I catch a glimpse of the warning on the side:

   Awesome. I'm about to struggle a "team lift" item into my car. 15 minutes, a lot of sweat and a check of the owner's manual of Civic for "how to lower back seats for trunk" and I got her in. In that 15 minute span 5 older men stopped and asked if they could help. So sweet, but NO. "Look what I can do!" is what I thought to myself...

   I am aware that me flopping around with an 83 pound sink box made me look a little ridiculous. I felt the indignation swell in me as each person stopped to offer help with a look of disbelief that I was trying to do this myself. Well guess what, bitches? I DID IT.

   I got that sink into Civic right on top of the green paint mess. The moral of this story is not that you can do anything you set your mind to. It's that our mothers didn't burn their damn bras so some yahoo could stop me in the Lowe's parking lot to put a sink into my car for me!! Thank you all for reading this and showing your support of my nonsense. If you got this far, you must really like me.

  Update: It has been brought to my attention that I have girl power. It made me think of this bad ass Salt N' Pepa video. Craig, this one's for you.

Side note:

Dear S n' P,

Doesn't it lessen your authority when you wear booty shorts as a policewoman walkin' the beat? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go dance around in my space suit.



  1. "Our mothers didn't burn their damn bras so some yahoo could stop me in the Lowe's parking lot to put a sink into my car for me!!" - Best line EVER!!!!!! You are every women and its all in you! Anything you want done baby, you do it naturally! Whoa, whoa, whoa. :o)

  2. <3 u!!!! It makes me want to bust out my spinning stage and get my flex on! LOL!! Thanks for the addition to the blog!!! :o)